Off the Deep End

To put it plainly I have about 20 different posts and an abundance of ideas for posts that I could have put up today but when I tell you I’m tired, that’s an understatement.

By now you already know a bit about me and my experiences as a Black woman but I just want to reiterate again the fear that I feel every time my Dad goes for one if his patented all-day runs. Or every time my little brother drives home to Houston. Or when my sister is out in Nashville with her friends at 1:00am 10hrs away. Or when my youngest brother is solo long-boarding around San Antonio at night.

It is a creeping fear that grips you. A dread, that slowly encompasses your being as time drags on and on. It is a dull, throbbing full-body paralysis that doesn’t go away, for me, until I can finally confirm that they are safe in their own space at home again. Only then can I fully exhale and breathe. Only then does the sick subside.

This is a feeling that all of us as Black people have had even while doing the most normal of tasks. That is why you have seen so many emotional speeches given by Black people from all over the world these past few months. These experiences for us are shared experiences and the constant banter about their validity is traumatic at worst and pedantic at best.

And then when these terrible videos are posted on social media without warning and you accidentally catch a clip of the policing of a Black body, all of that pain and fear rushes suddenly back into your psyche and you break down again.

So I won’t really have that much new for you today. My life was already complicated enough without adding this. Honestly, right now I’m glad I was even able to get you this post.

Let me know you need anything. Feel free to give me a call or a text if you need it. I might need it too!

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