Relationships have always been important for me. I have always loved love and wanted it for myself. Which I think is not that unique. I think what makes my love different is my quest to understand the form that intimacy takes for the people that I love and my ask, early on, that they learn what my love looks like too.
Love looks different to every single person on this planet and we all know that’s true; hence the “5 Love Languages” test that pretty much every single human being has taken. (If you have not taken it please go and take it and report back here. This has less to do with me and more to do with yourself. Trust me this shit is important because like, how can you love somebody if you don’t first love yourse… anyway.) We all take the test and then try to memorize the responses that we get so that we can bring them up in conversations like this or at dinner parties. I wonder however, how many of us realize, truly, in the moment, how much those things really affect the way that you interact with the one we love.
I will limit this particular chat to couple/relationship love and I will say that my truest form of intimacy with men I date is quality time. I NEED that time. Need. That is how I get to know you as a person. I need to catch your vibe – to see if I we could match long term. Then, when we are in a relationship, quality time is how you show me you care.
Now let me preface this – it is 2021 and we grown. Sir, I do not want to sit next to you 24/7 and breathe down your back. As a matter of fact, as a very introverted person I relish time by myself. However, with our phones we are never alone and a short, quick text letting me know that you’re there and thinking about me can really put me at ease and make me feel like we are on the same page. Connect with me like that and then when you have time, and we both feel like interacting, plan a thing for us to do together. Even if it’s as basic as movie and some fries (I mean dinner) afterward I will be a happy girl. Just give me the love. Just gimme da looove! *sung to the melody of Just Gimme the Light by Sean Paul*
But sometimes I forget that not everyone needs or wants that type of intimacy. As of late, I have dated guys that need words of affirmation and physical touch. Neither of these things are wrong and I learned throughout our interactions that these were the things that these people needed. So I would do my best to build them up and make sure that I hugged them when I saw them or reached out for a touch on the hand or a pat on the arm. I wanted to let them know that I was there.
Unfortunately, there were not always able to reciprocate by giving me the love that I wanted in return. Whether they were busy or unwilling we shall never know. When we are together it is good, great even. But apart I miss them and begin to feel like maybe it is something I have done wrong and it eats at me. It hurts. I hate it. This is where however I have begun refining myself.
The old me in these kinds of situations would say, “Forget this. I am too good to be waiting around.” Or “he is undervaluing me or not taking me seriously. So I’m out” and eventually, we both gave up and let it go. He would never hear from me again. However, I am learning now that communication is key. So, I have chosen clear and concise communication, so that I can truly grow and change my future relationships for the better. This means that I have started in the new relationships that I am beginning made it clear that I like and need this quality time so that I can get to know people. I tell them that vibes are how I decide to spend time with people for the long run that I want to get to know them. I have asked them how they love or prefer to be loved and started doing my best to be that for them. Of course that is not all that you need to keep a relationship, but it is a nice way to learn more about a person, their emotional intelligence, and what they value in relationships. It also takes me and my hear off the hook so I don’t have to guess how the person feels because they should be working to love me how I want to be loved.
I know. I know. This is all very speculative and nice in theory. Also I admit we are still in the trial phases in this process…but I am excited to see where this goes. It is hard for this introvert but fun because at least I know that I am trying to be a better person.
I’ll let you know how it goes.